The Trashies 2008

“The Winner Takes it All” starts playing by Abba.

DL: What are these idiots up to – Abba isn’t suitable for a wrestling show – even a Trash TV one!

Suddenly the music halts with a scratch and the lights in the arena go out, except for a sole spotlight at the side of the stage area, by the titantron. The same song starts up but this time it’s a heavy rock version.

RJ: I don’t believe it – how did Trash TV get this organised?

From below the spotlight, a section draws back and a group start rising up through the stage

Booming Voice man: Ladies and gentleman……. Led Zeppelin!

RJ: Obviously their reunion concert wasn’t a one off after all – Hobo really must have a lot of money to get these guys here playing Abba covers!

Robert Plant is wearing a wearing a ‘Trash TV will make you Immortal’ T-Shirt and Jimmy Page has an ‘I wanna be a Producer’ T-shirt on. The crowd go wild as they realise who it is and start singing along.

In the ring an official looking podium has been set up, in the shape of a Trash Can with a TV in it.

Booming Voice: And now, its time for the show you’ve all been waiting for….theeeee Traaaaaashiiieeesss!

DL: This is a waste of mine and everyone else’s time. These guys are idiots and have obviously rigged the votes anyway.

RJ: You’re just saying that because you didn’t get short listed for best personality...… (Mumbling to the side) Not that’s any surprise (Back to camera)…… And anyway, these votes have been verified by an independent adjudicator based on votes received at 6wf.com.

The Titantron flickers to life and has Primetime and Hollywood on it.

HJ: This wouldn’t be a Trash TV show without a surprise or two.

PT: And let’s start off with your host for the evening…..The man they nicknamed ‘Bad Attitude’…..

HJ: Mrrrrrrrrr Teeeeeeeeeeeeeee

PT: (whispering) I think its just ‘T’ (the titantron fades)

The ‘A Team’ music plays and out walks Mr T in a Tuxedo but still sporting his Mohawk and gold chains. The crowd give him a huge pop and he makes his way into the ring and stands behind the podium.

“What’s up fools? When E’ approached me to do this show, my first reaction was – you better back up biatch! I aint down with no wrestling love in – I ‘m only interested in one thing…’pain’. So E told me that instead of payment, I could take my earnings out in inflicting damage on whoever I wanted. So I chose you Dave Law – the fans at home are tired of your jive talkin’ jibber jabber. And when I finished here tonight, I’m coming for you, fool.

Dave Law removes his headset and leaves abruptly.

RJ: Looks like it’s just me again!

MrT: You betta run, fool! Now let’s get this crazy-ass show on the road! We have 10 awards to present to you suckas tonight and I have rented this Tux by the hour. So to present the award for Most Iconic 6wf wrestler (best secondary character)…an icon in his own right – The Shockmaster!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s3CL28vgE4U

The Shockmaster’s music begins and through a silk screen bursts Shockmaster in his trademark Stormtrooper helmet, spray painted with glitter. As he comes through the screen, his foot gets caught and he trips over, falling to the ground and dropping the ‘Trashie’. He picks himself up quickly and runs to the ring.

MrT: Smooth, playa.

Shockmaster: The nominees for 6WF Icon are….Zheng Zhi (camera cuts to Zheng meditating whilst Cassius self flails himself in the background)……The Producers (camera shows the PT and HJ reading Variety magazine with a picture of CJ on the front)……Finlay (camera shows Finlay giving Fro a foot massage as part of his training).

Shockmaster: and the winner is……The Producers…..

“Movies” by Alien Ant Farm plays and the crowd go wild as PT and HJ appear at the top of the ramp. They high-five ringside fans, as they slide into the ring to make their acceptance speech.

HJ: This is Box Office baby!

PT: I promised myself I wasn’t going to cry but….(he breaks down)

HJ: What Primetime was trying to say was he wants to thank you and those who made it possible. For his parents for putting him through Film school, Bezerker picking him on that fateful Wednesday, Salsa being off sick, Me! For being the most awesome partner ever and most of all to the whole Trash TV crew!

PT: (sobbing) I love you ma!

The producers grab their award from the Shockmaster and leave up the ramp.

RJ: It’s lucky that Dave Law isn’t here – he’d be screaming conspiracy by now!

MrT: Our next award is the Most Popular Wrestler in an overseas territory (Best character of a Jamaican Descent). And here to give out this award – The Great Khali!

The Great Khali walks to ringside as the crowd boo loudly. He climbs over the top rope and picks up a mic.

TGK: blaah blooh uhh aaah eeoh (intelligible nonsense)….ookstar (camera cuts to robo Hulkster with his eyes lit up and wearing a Xmas hat as the crowd cheer)….. aidunnn daneells (camera cuts to ‘The assassin’ Kayden Daniels – the crowd goes silent. One fan drops his popcorn and it can be heard around the arena as every fan turns around to look before muttering ‘who?’ to each other)……..waassttaaaa (The camera cuts to a shot of Rasta naked playing the bongos, smoking a strange home-made cigarette).

TGK: Waassttaaa!

“Buffalo soldier’ plays and from the back of the arena, Rasta appears, still naked. He tries to surf the crowd but they don’t want to touch him and he falls to the ground. He grabs two tubs of popcorn to cover his modesty, runs to the ring and grabs his award (which replaces one tub of popcorn) and shouts “free Jamaica” down the mic before running to the back, as Khali slowly leaves the ring.

RJ: That was unusual! Lets go to commercials – see you in 4 minutes.

MrT: Our third award of the evening is for the Best Show of the year. And to introduce this, this man aint no chump. He starred alongside me in Rocky III – I beat Balboa whereas this fool got choked out by the Italian Stallion….Hulk Hogan!

“Real American” plays and out walks the Hulkster.

RJ: It’s him! It’s him! I don’t believe it, Hogan on 6wf! Hogan on 6WF!

Hogan climbs in the ring before ripping his Hulkamania Tshirt and posing for the crowd. After about 20 minutes the 20 fans still applauding grow tired and Hogan picks up the microphone.

HH: Well let me tell you something, bruvvas. It’s an honour to be here, in Birmingham! When I heard that Trash TV wanted me to present at this years Trashies, and once their cheques had cleared, I couldn’t wait to get here. I knew that all the little Hulkamaniacs wanted to see the icon on 6WF, bruvva. So I’m here to wrap my 24-inch pythons around this Trashie and give it to the creator of the show of the year….here are the nominations…..

HH: Shutdown! (The camera shows Acer backstage, he is drinking what seems to be blood from a goblet), Lockdown! (The image shifts to River Ace with his feet on a table, playing with his phone. He barely acknowledges the camera, just gives a slight nod of the head), Trashdown (the camera shows the crew of Trash TV waving and putting their thumbs up) and Against The Wall….is that the best you could think of? (The camera shows a brick wall)

HH: And the winner is….I’m not telling you bruvva! Watcha gonna do when Hulkamania withholds the results from you!?

The crowd begin to boo and chant ‘Hogan Sucks’ when all of a sudden a drum beat can be heard. The crowd erupts as The Ultimate Warrior bursts through the hole in the curtain where Shockmaster entered and runs at Hogan, hitting him with a punch to the head.

HH: YOU!!!!

Hogan begins to hulk up and walk around the stage as TUW continues to try and hit him. Hogan is circling the stage shaking his head as TUW gets frustrated and picks up a cable on the stage and begins shaking it violently.

HH (repeatedly): Watcha gonna do bruvva….

TUW (repeatedly): WWAARRIIAAHHH!!!!!

Mr T looks at both men and shakes his head in disgust, he walks forward to the podium and takes the mic as he shakes his head.

MrT: Crazy fools! I told you this suit is rented by the hour – don’t make me unleash the PPAAIINN!!

When neither man stops Mr T looks like he is going to explode when Robo Hulkster appears on the stage. He makes a series of bleeping noises that seem to transfix Warrior and Hogan. As Robo Hulkster leaves the stage both men follow him in a subdued fashion.

MrT: I’m not being paid to present this crazy-ass award but if it gets this show over then I’ll do it fool! And the winner is….TRASHDOWN!!

The camera shows Trash TV jumping up and down backstage and pushing Hobo towards the stage. Hobo tells the rest of them to come with him and the entire crew make their way out to accept the award.

Hobo: Wow! This is amazing! I mean, we always new that Trashdown was the greatest show in 6wf history, but to get this makes it all worthwhile!

As Hobo is talking Primetime breaks down in tears again.

Hobo: I need to thank everyone that worked on Trashdown, Commissioner Hobo took the credit but it was a team effort! We had a great backroom team and Enforcer, Hero and Diablo provided some of the most memorable moments in 6wf history! Then there…

MrT: I said this tux is paid for by the hour fool! Hurry up or you’ll feel PPAAIINN!!!

Hobo: Err right – thanks everyone again!

As Trash TV are still leaving the stage Mr T is already at the podium.

MrT: And to introduce our award for the Most Missed Superstar…we have two men who know all about missing, Paul Bodin and Chris Waddle!

PB: I’m not sure why they’ve chosen us Chris? It’s not like we’re in any way related to missed superstars!

CW: I know, I was as shocked as you…but my mullet needs trimming and my fee should pay for a cut and blow dry!

PB: You’re getting paid for this?? Hobo told me this was my penance to Wales – he said something about Romania 1993. For some reason I can’t remember anything about that year!

CW: That’s funny I’m the same with 1990, couldn’t tell you anything that happened then. Anyway the nominees for most missed superstar are…

PB: Randy Peeper! (the newly inducted legend is shown backstage shining his plaque as the crowd cheer)

CW: EZ Money! (EZ is shown fanning himself with a wad of notes as the crowd cheer)

PB: And Diablo! (The crowd cheer as a picture of Diablo in the BMPA lorry is shown)

CW: And the winner is….

PB & CW: EZ MONEY!!!!

“Here Comes The Money” plays and the crowd go wild as the former Anarchy man makes his way onto the stage

Crowd: EZ! EZ! EZ!

EZ: It’s great to be back in the 6wf! Hope you all enjoyed my match a Born In Fire?

Crowd: YEAH!!!

EZ: And for you guys to vote me as the Most Missed Superstar means a lot! I’m hoping that this is a title that I won’t retain in the future. Because EZ Money can’t stay away forever, once I’ve sorted my personal life I’ll be back and I will rise to the top of the greatest e-fed in the world today!

Crowd: Come Back EZ! clap x5 Come Back EZ! clap x5

EZ Money wipes a tear from his eye and waves to the fans as he leaves the stage with his Trashie in hand.

As EZ leaves the stage a trailer for 6wf WAR! 13/12 airs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01-2pNCZiNk

The camera returns to the stage but Mr T is unaware that the camera is rolling, he is talking to a backstage runner.

Mr T: Hey sucka! You got my transport arranged for after this job?

Runner: Certainly Mr T, your flight has been arranged especially, 1st class to LA via British Airways.

Mr T: A plane? You crazy fool! A PLANE! You ain't getting me on no goddamn plane sucka!

The runner quickly informs Mr T the camera is rolling and makes a swift exit.

Mr T: Now where were we? Oh yeah best Storyline. Here to present the award is Treguard of Dunshelm.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sfIk24oXM1A

'Enter Stranger' echoes throughout the arena as Treguard takes the stage followed by three spotty teenagers. A table is set up on the stage with the award, a gold bar and half a chicken.

Treguard: The nominees for best storyline are as follows:

Killer: My music hits! (The scene: Killer sitting backstage)….6WF v TAW: The invasion (Video highlights of the 6wf v TAW feud are shown)……The return of Real Dude (Real Dude is shown backstage wearing an Nwf t-shirt, the crowd boo)…..and Berzerker revealed Part 1 (The crowd go wild as Bezerker waves manically at the camera).

And the winner is.....

Spellcasting: B E R Z E R K E R!!!

Berzerker enters the stage with the Helmet of Justice on his head. Immediately a giant face appears on the titantron and piece by piece bits fall off. Berzerker cannot see where to go and the children are directing him.

Children: Left! Left! No that's right! Left! Go forward! Left! Turn round!

By this point the face has fallen away to a skull as Berzerker reaches the table.

Bz: I can see the award, a chicken and a gold bar, what do I do? What do I do?

Children: Pick up the chicken and put it in your knapsack.

Bz: What? Why? That makes no sense at all!

One of the skulls eyes fall out.

Children: Do it!!

Berzerker picks up the chicken and puts it in a bag that's hanging over his shoulder. The skull returns to a healthy face and then disappears.

Treguard: Ladies and Gentlemen, your winner, Berzerker!

Berzerker goes to collect his award but then a strange horn sound goes off.

Treguard: The goblins are coming, the goblins are coming!

Bz: WTF??

Children: Turn around, turn around, go right go right, straight ahead.

Berzerker spins around a couple of times, gets dizzy and fall off the stage as a couple of grubby dwarves with goblin masks appear from behind the curtain and jump on Bezerker.

Treguard: Ooh nasty!

RJ: We’re going to take a quick commercial break and sort this mess out. Then we’ll be right back with the Next Big Thing award!

MrT: Now we move onto the Next Big Thing award, fools! And to present it we have the hottest prospect on the interview circuit….MJ Law!

The crowd boo as MJ makes his way to the podium.

MJ: I’m here today to present the Next Big Thing award! Now before I read the nominations I would like to point out that this is a waste of time as we all know that Project X are THE stars for the future in 6wf!

The crowd boo wildly and only start to subdue as the nominees are read out.

MJ: The nominee’s for The Next Big Thing are….Mike Hill (the crowd boo as Mike Hill is shown drinking with The New Dynasty)…..Max Adamson (the camera shows Xanthi and Marlon but Max is no where to be seen – Marlon points to the toilet and smirks)……and Leroy Smith (the crowd cheer as Leroy is shown enjoying a drink with JJ and Brandi backstage)

MJ: And the winner is………..(MJ reads the card and looks shocked, he looks around nervously before composing himself)………Max Adamson!!

The crowd boo but then fall silent as nobody comes out on stage.

MJ: Now Max told me earlier that if he won an award he wouldn’t be here as he’s doing promotional work for a new Australian Bar. But he has left me his number, I’ll phone him for you now!

MJ pulls out his mobile phone and frantically presses buttons before holding the phone to his ear.

MJ: Hi Max, it’s me MJ……..just letting you know that you’ve won The Next Big Thing……..Max says he’d like to thank Project X for helping him get to where he is today………he also said that next year will be the year of the Australian as I, I mean he, finally wins the gold he craves! Sorry Max my battery is going speak to you later.
Max has asked me to look after the award for him, so I’ll just take this with me. And remember…
I’m MJ Law, and you’re not!

MJ leaves the stage holding the Trashie looking really happy

Mr T: Welcome back suckas! Next up we have the Best Feud. Please put
your hands together to present the award....

Coronation Streets very own Fred Elliot aka John Savident and TVs original batman, Adam West

John Savident appears on the stage in a butchers outfit with a row of
sausages around his neck, he grabs a mic and addresses the crowd.

J: I would like to take this opportunity to say a few words, to say a
few words! They have been some great rivalries through the past year on
6WF, I say 6WF.

AW: Rivalries like the time that I squared off against Julie Newmar who played Catwoman. John did I ever tell you about how whilst filming one of the dance sequences in Batman, I twinged a hamstring muscle. Now that’s dangerous.

JS: Here are some of the most memorable ones, I say memorable ones.

Diablo v EZ Money, the one that got this all started I tell ye
Acer v Hero, commissioner v champion
Anarchy v Trash TV, tag team gold
& Saint v Nemesis, the two behemoths collide.

And the winner is...I say the winner is...........I say the winner
is....

MR T: World of PAAAAAAAIIIIIINNNNN sucka!!

AW: you don’t scare us, Mr T. I’m…Batman! The caped crusader. And I am wearing BA repellent. Ceasar Romero’s Joker was scarier than you. Did I ever tell you about the time when Burgess Meredith accidentally sat on his penguin umbrella? Nasty!

MrT: Meredith – I know that fool. He played Mickey in Rocky III. He felt the force of Lang…..Clubber sorted him real good, fool. Now read the results before I come over there and start breaking bones, suckas.

JS: And the winner is.....Saint v Nemesis! I say Saint v Nemesis!!!

Nemesis emerges from behind the curtain to a chorus of boos. He goes to
Fred Elliot to get his award but Fred is empty handed.

The titantron flickers on to show Saint lying on a beach in Antigua
sipping a Bacardi whilst being fanned by two tropical beauties. The
award is by his side.

Saint: Hey Goldenballs! Guess what I had flown over to me! So if you
want to get your hands on it then you know where to find me!

Nemesis shakes his fist at the Titantron and gives out a grrrr before marching offstage.

MR T: Somehow this crazy ass of a show hasn’t been pulled off the air, but we still have a couple more to give out, so next up is the fans favourite award (best promoer), please put your hands together to present the award....Miss Kerry Katona!

*fans slow clap as Whole Again by Atomic Kitten blast out of the speakers and Miss Katona struggles with the entrance curtain for a brief moment before making her way onto the stage and grabbing the mic*

Kerry: Yer alrighhht owt there? Yer bleeding like a morgue or summat?

Hey you lot don't cheer up, my Mark will sort out the bleeding lot of yer!

*Crowd boo*

Why do yer all hate me nowww? *slurring her words*

Mark! Mark! They're all beein rotten to me, help!

*Voice from the back*: Shurrup Kezza, just think of the money!

But luv, I don't know the first thing about wrestling.

*Voice from the back* Who cares, now get on with it, pub shuts soon and you ain't made me tea yet.

*Kerry bursts into tears and blurts out*

The cont...the contondees...the conduct...

*Voice from the back* It's contenders, you thick stupid wench!

The contenders are:

Diablo - The last of the International Playboys
TGA - The current 6WF champion
Hero - The Alpha Male and leader of the Revolution
Hobo - Trash TV founder and current TAW champion

Lets see some clips of their best work *as the camera fades to the clips, Kerry can be seen being sick on stage*

*The clips show a brief highlight of each of the wrestlers in action before returning to Kerry, her eyes bloodshot and wiping away vomit from her chin*

The winner is.....Hero!!!

*The arena go crazy as the lights in the arena fade to black. 99 Problems by Jay Z blasts out of the speaker and Hero appears in the rafters. He zips down a wire and lands on the stage in front of Kerry.

K: Hiiiyeeeer. *she tries her best to sort herself out and look presentable*

H: Er hi!

K: You the one that got voted DILF of the year in this years Heat award?

H: I believe that to be true unfortunately.

K: Can see why, phwooooarr, wanna make out?

*Voice from the back* You chatting up my Kezza? You filthy bleeder, right, that's enough, I'm pulling this off air now!

Mark walks onto the stage and grabs Kerry's arm and drags her away from Hero before turning back and getting in Hero's face.

Hero kicks Mark in the gut and then hits his finisher as the crowd shout out:

ENCORE! ENCORE! ENCORE!!!!

H: Who in the blue Meanie are these trailer park trash? Get them out of my ring, get them out of the Alpha Male's face and get them off Hero's show! Now I'd like to thank the fans, Hero's fans for the votes, it means a great deal to know how respected I am round here. I never expected it
with the level of opposition in the final.

Hell of course I did!

Tramplo, a guy who's breath measures on the Richter scale TGI Friday, Mr Wanabee Hero with a personality bordering the level of the Saint & Hobo, who due to relations with Trash TV I'm currently obliged to say is a jolly nice fella!

Jeez I'd have had more competition with Rasta, Zheng and Captain Blade!

Hero raises the award to the fans just as Mark struggles to his feet, Hero kicks him in the gut again and hits his finisher as he walks off backstage.

ENCORE! ENCORE! ENCORE!!!

The camera cuts back to Mr T who by now is getting rather frustrated.

Mr T: When I get hold of the fool that booked me on this show there's gonna be a world of pain! A WORRRLLLDD OF PAAAAIIIIINNNN!! Next up we have the award for best match and to host it....Harry Hill!!!

The camera cuts to Harry sitting behind his desk from TV Burp, Overlarge collar and pens in his top pocket.

HH: It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realise how often they burst into flames.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

My aunt used to say, 'What you can't see, can't hurt you'...well, she died of radiation poisoning a few months back!

When you buy a V-neck sweater there's a V of material missing. You know what they do with that? They send it to Ann Summers and she makes those fancy pants.

The award for best match is hotly contested with several big matches, lets look at the contenders:

Brian Fantana v Rasta in a Bring on the Wall Challenge. BRING ON THE WALLLL!!!

Trash TV v Anarchy TLC BRING ON THE TABLES!!!!

Killer v Captain Blade in a Chippy Chip Challenge!!

Acer v Saint

And the winner is......

Acer v Saint & Trash TV v Anarchy!!!!!!

But who's better?

Acer v Saint or Trash TV v Anarchy?

There's only one way to decide...........FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Acer comes out from behind one curtain, Saint appears on the Titantron from his Antiguan beach laughing and the entire Trash TV set up jostle out from behind the other curtain. Acer sees the mob and makes a swift exit stage right.

MrT: The next award is for the best commissioner. And here to give out the award is some fool I aint never heard of. Who is this sucka? 6WF…… Chico?

“Its Chico time” rings out and Chico comes down to ring doing his strange backwards hopping dance.

Chico: Hello 6WF – what time is it?

Crowd: 11.45am?

Chico: I said what time is it?

Crowd: (silence)

Chico: its chico time! (chico starts to dance and sing)

Crowd: (silence)….boo!

Chico: Anyway the nominees are…..Commissioner Hobo (camera shows Hobo eating a chicken drumstick with caviar on it)….Saint (camera shows an image of Primetime dressed up as Saint on an early Trash Talk with a tin foil halo above his head)…River Ace (camera shows River once again sat at his desk with his feet up playing ‘sexy poker’ on his mobile nonplussed)…..Diablo (Diablo is shown staring at a framed photograph of the mysterious woman he proposed to)

Chico: And the winner is….what time is it….?

MrT: Its gonna be Pain time very soon you jibber jabbering fool.

Chico: River Ace!

The camera cuts back to River Ace jumping up and down with joy. He pulls out a champagne bottle and pops the cork before running out of his office down to the ring and grabs a mic.

RA: Yeah that’s right – I’m the best frickin’ commissioner this place ever has had. If it wasn’t for me, this place would be on its knees. You know it…I know it…and all the other commissioners that have come and gone arent even good enough to lace my boots. I am in charge of the whole shebang – don’t forget the name ‘RIVER ACE’

MrT: So your responsible for me being here, chump. (Mr T raises his fist and approaches River who quickly grabs his Trashie and leaves)

Chico: What time is it, 6WF?

Mr T has seen enough and goes over and clocks Chico with a big right.

MrT: Its “lay out the sucka time”, fool – can someone get rid of this piece of Honky trash?

Crew hands and EMTs come down to ring and remove Chico as a the Trashies go to a commercial break.

MrT: Well that’s the end of this punk-ass show. And if your anything like me, you fools will want to get out of here quickly to.

A runner hands Mr T a card to read out.

MrT: What’s this chump? You want me to read this out – well if it brings this sorry affair to an end…’Fin’?

Mr T leaves the ring and goes backstage to be met by Hollywood and Primetime.

PT: Great show, T.

MrT: now about these travel arrangements – I want first class tickets on some cruise ship back to LA. I aint getting on that flying deathtrap you booked me on.

HJ: Just relax, big dog…and drink this milk…

Mr T picks up the milk and starts to drink.

MrT: and another thing – Where’s Dave Law, I got some unfini……

MrT collapses after drinking the tampered milk and is caught by the producers who motion over a courier.

HJ: Get him to East Midlands airport and get him on the plane before he wakes up!

PT: I love it when a plan comes together!

The producers both get out a large Cuban cigar out of the top pockets and light them.

HJ: I wonder what CJ’s up to?

PT: lets go and find out my friend…lets go and find out….

The producers walk off as the titantron image fades…